Every time I coach an elite performer, I introduce distinctions into the conversation.

Time after time, they prove to be the single most powerful coaching tool.

A distinction is the difference between two similar things. They are often so similar that we become blind to the difference.

It’s not until someone shines a light on the beliefs you hold that you get to see there’s another, often much more effective, way of seeing something.

I could easily list 10 or more powerful distinctions that would each, individually, transform your lived experience.

To avoid diluting the message I’ve decided to only share three. These are my top three. I aim to embody these three distinctions in every conversation I have.

If you can master just one of these distinctions, your life and your results will change almost overnight.

1) Serve Vs Please

Leaders, just like all humans, want to be liked. You want to feel the warm glow of being held in high regard by other people.

(Not just your peers. You care way too much what strangers think about you.)

Being liked is a fickle game to play. You have no idea what is going to please people from one moment to the next.

Being liked counts for nothing.

Pleasing people also doesn’t serve them.

You’re not lacking someone in your life who regularly tells you how good you are, or how unlucky you are.

You need somebody to help you see your truth.

You need somebody who will stand with you ” shoulder to shoulder ” without expecting anything from you.

You need somebody who will help you to bridge the gap between the life you’re living, and the life that you desire.

Great leaders tell the person in front of them what they most need to hear. They hold nothing back. They bring an intensity to their conversations that scare people. They deliver powerful transformations.

2) Agreements Vs Expectations

I learned this important distinction early in my coaching career from the veteran coach Steve Chandler. I often invite clients to watch a 30-minute video before we begin our deep work together, to ensure they understand this vital distinction.

Most people live their life holding conscious and unconscious expectations of others. An expectation is a strong belief that somebody will do something, or that something will happen.

Only two things are possible if you expect something to happen:

• Either your expectation will be met, in which case you will feel justified.
• Or it won’t be, leading you to feel resentful.

Resentful that somebody hasn’t done what you thought was perfectly obvious and reasonable. Resentful that you’ve been let down. Resentful that you failed to clearly articulate what you expected.

Agreements, on the other hand, are much more powerful. They require two or more people to agree to a certain action or outcome.

People love to do what they have agreed to do. People often go to great personal inconvenience to make sure they keep an agreement.

The reason why your colleagues, clients and family don’t meet your expectations is because you fail to create powerful agreements with them.

An agreement doesn’t require a formal document with binding signatures. It only requires two people to voluntarily agree to something.

3) Hell ‘Yes’ vs Hell ‘No’

I was listening to a podcast recently with the retired Manchester United midfielder, Roy Keane. He reminded people that ‘No’ is a complete sentence.

How often do you say ‘Yes’ to something, without being fully committed?

You are the architect of your life. You get to decide what you do, and what you don’t do.

Create a filter for the important decisions in your life, whereby you only say ‘Yes‘ to anything, if it’s a ‘Hell Yes’. If it doesn’t fill you with excitement, make it a clear ‘No‘.

Of course, ‘No’s‘ can become ‘Yes’s‘ at a later point in time.

The space you receive from clearing your diary of all the unwanted commitments you have made, allows you the clarity to focus on the things that are important to you.

Which of these three distinctions do you need to apply immediately?